Dear Satan Claus – Devourer of Children’s Souls,
This year, I have been a very passive aggressive little advertising tampon. I have compulsively pillaged, and I have often helped my grandma with their taxes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank checks this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring fruit leather panties. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz-studded ass plug. For my little sister, please bring Newport Lights 100’s. For my ferret, please bring a cableknit sweater. Oh – and for my cleaning lady, please bring some work ethic.
Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith action figures, and front row tickets to Britney Spears – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my amputee Afghan orphan. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!
Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.
PS: Please say hi to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember elusiveshoe & aic_weirdo? They have been real homicidal coprophiles all year long and don’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!